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RECOLLECTIONS OF CHILDHOOD 149
His wife ought to devote herself entirely, entirely to
him; give up all her life to him, think only of him.
And I cannot do that; I want to live myself.
Moreover, he is so nervous and exacting. He seems to be
constantly grasping me — sucking me into himself.
I never was myself with him."
Aniuta said all this as if addressing me, but, in
reality, in order to explain matters to herself. I
pretended to understand and to sympathize, but in my
innermost heart I was thinking: "Heavens! What
happiness it must be to be always with him, and to
submit one’s self wholly to him! How can my sister
repulse such happiness ? "
At any rate, when I fell asleep that night I was far
from being so unhappy as I had been the night before.
The day appointed for our departure was now close
at hand. Feödor Mikhailovitch came to see us once
more to bid us farewell. He did not remain long, but
Aniuta bore herself in a simple, friendly manner, and
they promised to write to each other. His farewell
to me was very tender. He even kissed me at
parting, but assuredly he was very far from suspecting
the nature of my feelings for him, or the suffering
which he had caused me.
Six months later my sister received from Feödor
Mikhåilovitch a letter, in which he informed her that
he had met a wonderful young girl, with whom lie
had fallen in love, and who had consented to become
his wife. This young girl was Anna Grigörevna, his
second wife. " If any one had foretold this six months
ago, I swear by my honor that I would not have
believed it!" ingenuously remarked Dostoévsky, at the
end of his letter.
My heart-wound also healed rapidly. During the
few days which remained of our stay in Petersburg,
10*
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