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182
SÖNYA KOVALÉVSKY
looked back on our early Heidelberg days as on a lost
paradise.
" When, in the autumn of 1874, Sönya had obtained
her doctor’s degree, she was so worn out, physically and
mentally, that, on her return to Russia, she could not
do any work for a long time."
The want of delight in her work above mentioned
was peculiar to Sönya when she had any scientific
labors in hand. She always overdid herself, and in no
way could enjoy life or the work itself; and thought,
instead of being her servant, was her tyrant. At such
times she experienced none of the joys of creating. It
was different later on, when she took up literary work.
This always gave her delight and put her into good
spirits.
Other causes besides Sönya’s exaggerated manner of
study contributed to make her stay in Berlin far from
agreeable. To begin with, there was her position with
regard to her husband. The sense of its strangeness
had been aggravated by the interference of her parents.
They had visited her several times, had even taken her
back to Petersburg; had found out how matters stood,
had reproached her for her behavior, and tried to drive
husband and wife together. But Sönya would not hear
of it. Secondly, Sönya was displeased with her isolated
position. She had already that hunger for a fuller life
which afterward consumed her. In her inmost heart
she was as little as possible the female pedant which
her manner of life suggested. But bashfulness, or
a want of practical sense; the consciousness of the
strangeness of her own circumstances; the fear of
allowing herself to be compromised in her lonely
position—all conduced to the isolation she so greatly
regretted when speaking, in after-life, of her early
youth.
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