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RECOLLECTIONS OF CHILDHOOD 11
coaxed me, I maintained an obstinate silence, and
merely gazed askance at every one with fear and
malice, like a hunted beast, until mama said, at last, in
vexation: "Well, nurse, take your savage back to
the nursery! Nothing but shame is to be had from
her in the presence of guests. She certainly must
have swallowed her naughty little tongue!"
I held aloof, also, from strange children, and,
indeed, I rarely saw them. I remember, however, that
when I was walking with nurse, and sometimes met
little street boys and girls playing at some noisy
game, I felt envious, and wished to join them. But
nurse never permitted me. " What’s the matter with
you, my dear?1 How is it possible for you, miss, to
play with common children ? " she said in a voice of
such reproach and conviction that, as I now recall
the matter, I immediately became ashamed of my
own wish. Soon even the desire and capability of
playing with other children abandoned me. I
remember that when some little girl or other of my own
age was brought to visit me, I never knew what to
talk to her about, and all I could do was to stand
stock-still and say to myself: "Will she go away
soon ? "
I was happiest of all when I was left alone with
nurse. In the evening, when Fedya had been put to
bed, and Aniuta had run off to the drawing-room,
to the grown-up people, I would sit down beside
nurse on the divan, nestle up very close to her, and
she would begin to tell me fairy tales. I judge as to
the depth of the trace which these fairy tales left on
my imagination by the fact that, although now I can
recall only snatches of them when I am awake, yet in
my sleep, down to the present day, I suddenly begin
1 Mdtotckka,— literally, " My dear little mother."
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