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144
SÖNYA KOVALÉVSKY
I clearly understand how happy I had been all those
days—those evenings—to-day—a few moments ago.
But now — good God — now!
Even now I did not tell myself plainly what had
changed, what had come to an end. I only felt that
everything had lost its bloom for me; that life was
no longer worth living!
"And why did they make a fool of me; why did they
make a secret of it; why did they dissemble ? " I
reproached them with unjust wrath.
" Well, let him love her, let him marry her, what
business is it of mine ?" I said to myself several
seconds later; but my tears still continued to flow, and
in my heart I felt the same pain, which was new to me.
Time passed. Now I would have liked to have
Aniuta come to me. I was angry with her because she did
not come. "I might be dead for all they care!
Heavens! What if I were really to die!" And
suddenly I felt inexpressibly sorry for myself, and tears
flowed faster than ever.
" What are they doing now? How pleasant it must
be for them," I thought; and at this thought there
arose a fiendish desire to run to them, and say
impudent things to them. I jumped out of bed; and, with
hands quivering with excitement, I began to fumble
for the matches, in order to find the candle, and
dress myself. But I could not find the matches. As
I had flung my clothes all over the room, I could not
dress in the dark, and I was ashamed to summon the
maid. Therefore I jumped into bed again, and again
began to sob, with a feeling of helpless, hopeless
solitude.
The first tears, before the organism is accustomed
to suffering, soon exhaust one. My paroxysms of
sharp despair passed into a dull torpor.
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