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176
SÖNYA KOVALÉVSKY
loss of her company. We sometimes went with her
to pay him a visit, and in the holidays they always
traveled together. These trips seemed to give Sönya
great pleasure. But she could not accustom herself to
live apart from her husband, and she began to worry
him with continual demands. She woidd not travel
alone, but he must come and fetch her and take her
where she wanted to go. Just when he was most busy
with his studies he had to undertake commissions for
her, and help her in all those trifles which he had of
his own accord very good-naturedly taken upon his
shoulders, but which seemed to worry him now that
he was absorbed by scientific study."
When Sönya, later on, recalled her past life, her
complaint was always, " No one has ever loved me truly;"
and if I pleaded, " But your husband loved you truly,"
she would reply, " He loved me only when he was with
me, but he got on so well without me that he could
quite well live apart from me."
It seemed to me a very simple explanation of the
matter that he preferred, under the circumstances,
and busy as he then was with study, not to spend too
much time near her. But Sönya did not see it in this
light. She had always, from childhood to her very
last hour, a curious liking for ideal and exaggerated
relationships; she wanted to have without giving aught
in return.
I believe that in this particular lies the clue to her
life’s tragedy. I will again allow myself to quote
further observations, made by the same friend and
fellow-student, which show that even in her early
youth this idiosyncrasy was already developed, and
became the source of all Sönya’s inner struggles and
sufferings in after-life.
"Sönya valued success to a very great degree.
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