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A BIOGRAPHY
259
had a great aversion to crape, and Sönya considered
it would be a false conventionality to mourn for her
in that manner. But the inner anguish showed itself
in intense irritability. She would cry at the least
annoyance—for instance, if any one happened to tread
on her foot, or if she tore her dress. She would burst
into a flood of angry tears at the least contradiction.
In analyzing herself, as she always did, she said:
" My great sorrow, which I try to control, shows itself
in such petty irritability. It is the tendency of life in
general to turn everything into pettiness, and one never
has the consolation of a great and complete suffering."
Sönya hoped that her sister might somehow appear
to her, either in dreams or in an apparition. She had
all her life maintained that she believed in dreams as
portents, as we have already learned from the friend
of her youth, and she believed also in forebodings and
revelations of other kinds.
She knew long beforehand whether a year was to
be lucky or unlucky. She knew that the year 1887
would bring her both a great sorrow and a great joy.
She had already foretold that the year 1888 would be
one of the happiest of her life, and that 1890 would
be the saddest. 1891 was to bring her the Dawn of
Light—this dawn was that of death.
Sönya always had troubled dreams when any one
whom she loved was suffering, or when something had
happened which would bring her sorrow. The last
night before her sister’s death she had very bad
dreams—to her great astonishment, for she had just
had good news. But when the telegram arrived
announcing Aniuta’s death, Sönya said she ought to have
been prepared for it.
But the vision or apparition of her sister, which she
expected and hoped for after death, never came.
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