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A BIOGRAPHY 285
est honor to which any Russian scientist can attain.
Sönya had built her hopes on obtaining it. She would
have then been delivered from the insufferable yoke of
Stockholm life, and her wish to settle in Paris could
have been realized.
During our stay in that city she had often said to
me, " If you cannot have the best in life, namely, true
heart-happiness, life may be bearable if you get the
next best thing—an intellectual atmosphere in which
you can breathe and flourish. But to have neither is
insufferable."
She now fancied that if she were elected a member
of the Academy she might be reconciled to life. I
could not guess whether her plans would prosper, nor
did I ever know where she was going after leaving
St. Petersburg. She was very mysterious about her
plans for that spring, mentioning them to no one. I
met her by chance, however, in Berlin in the middle of
June. I was then en route for Sweden, whither I was
returning with my husband shortly after our marriage.
Sönya had arrived the same day from St. Petersburg.
I found her in an unnaturally excitable state of
mind—a mood which a stranger might easily have
mistaken for light-lieartedness. I knew her too well
not to realize that sorrow crouched behind it. She
had been fëted at Helsingfors and St. Petersburg; she
had been hurried from place to place; had met the
most interesting people, and had made a speech before
a thousand listeners. She assured me that she had
enjoyed herself immensely, and had good expectations;
but she continued to be mysterious and to shun all
intimacy, carefully avoiding remaining alone with me,
for fear of being searchingly questioned.
We spent, however, some cheerful days together,
filled with jesting and small talk. Still she impressed
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