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XII
TRIUMPH AND DEFEAT—ALL WON, ALL LOST
I LEFT Sönya in January, 1888, and we did not meet
again till September, 1889. Two years had not
passed, yet both our lives during those months had
gone through their most decisive crises. We met
again like changed beings. We could not be as
intimate as formerly, for each of us was engrossed in her
own life’s drama, and neither could speak to the other
of the conflicts through which she had passed.
As it is chiefly the object of this Memoir to relate
what Sönya said about herself, I shall, with regard to
this last tragedy of her life, narrate only what she
herself told me. It will naturally be imperfect and
indefinite in detail, because she no longer allowed me
to read her inmost heart.
Shortly after my departure she had made the
acquaintance of a man who she said was, in her opinion,
more full of genius than any one she had ever known.
She had from the first been attracted to him by the
strongest sympathy and admiration, which, little by
little, had developed into passionate love. He, on his
side, had admired her warmly, and had asked her to
be his wife. But she felt that he was drawn to her
more by admiration than by love, and naturally
refused to marry him. She now threw heV whole soul
into the endeavor to win him completely and awaken
in his soul the same devotion which she felt for him.
260
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