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A BIOGRAPHY
261
111 this struggle we have the story of her life during
the long period in which we were separated. She
worried herself and the man she loved with exactions.
She made " scenes "; was jealous and irritable.
They parted several times in anger and bitterness,
and then Sönya was torn to pieces by despair. They
met again, forgave each other, and parted once more
as violently as ever.
Her letters to me at this time show very little of
her inner life. She was reserved by nature where her
deepest feelings were concerned, and more especially
when touched by sorrow. It was only under the
influence of personal intercourse that she melted into
confidence. It was only on my return to Sweden that
I learned what I know of this portion of her life.
Shortly after my departure from Stockholm in 1888
she wrote:
This story about E-[referring to an incident in her circle
in Stockholm] inclines me to take up again, directly I regain
my freedom, my first-born, "The Privat-docent." I believe, if I
worked it over, I could make something good of it. I really
feel quite proud that when still so young I understood certain
sides of human life. When I now analyze E-’s feelings to
G-, I feel I have depicted the relations between my "Privat-
docent " and his professor marvelously well. What an admirable
opportunity I shall have for preaching socialism! or at least for
developing the theory that the democratic but not socialistic
state is the greatest horror possible.
Shortly after this she writes:
Thanks for your letter from Dresden. I am always so glad
when I get a few lines from you, though your letter on the
whole gave me a melancholy impression. What is to be done T
Life is sad. One never gets what one likes, or what one thinks
one needs—everything else, but not just that one th;ng. Some
one else will get the happiness I desire, and get it altogether
unwished for. The service in Life’s Banquet is badly managed.
All the guests seem to get the portions destined for others.
17*
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