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70 THE CONFESSION OF A FOOL
*’
I must be mad," she exclaimed, *’
to be so fond of this
dear boy that his going away ahnost breaks my heart !
"
And with an outburst of affection, at once pure and
impure, interested and disinterested, passionate and full of
angelic tenderness, she put her arms round my neck and
kissed me in her husband’s presence ; then she made the
sign of the cross over me and turned to go.
My old charwoman, who was waiting on the threshold,
wiped her eyes, and we all shed tears. It was a solemn
moment, never to be forgotten. The sacrifice had been
made.
I went to bed at one o’clock in the morning, but I was
unable to sleep ; fear of missing the steamer kept me awake.
Worn out by the farewell parties which had been following
one on the top of the other for a week, my nerves unhinged
from too much drinking, stupid from idleness, overwrought
by the excitement of the evening, I tossed between the
sheets until the day broke. Knowing that my will-power
was temporarily enfeebled, and loathing railway journeys,
because the shaking and jolting is injurious to the spine, I
had elected to travel by steamer ; moreover, this would
prevent any attempt on my part to draw back. The boat
was to start at six o’clock in the morning, and the cab
called for me at five. T started on my way alone.
It was a windy October morning, foggy and cold. The
branches of the trees were covered with hoar frost. When
I arrived on the North Bridge, I imagined for a second
that I was the victim of an hallucination : there was the
Baron, walking in the same direction as my cab. Contrary
to our agreement, he had risen early, and had come to see
me off. Deeply touched by this unexpected proof of
friendship, I felt altogether unworthy of his affection, and
full of remorse for ever having thought evil of him.
We arrived at the landing-stage. He accompanied me
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