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THE CONFESSION OF A FOOL 81
But, with the cunning of a madman, I decided to get
some satisfaction out of my death by contracting pneu-
monia, or a similar fatal disease ; for in that case, I argued,
I should have to be in bed for some time ; I could see her
again and could kiss her hand in saying good-bye for ever.
Comforted by this sudden thought, I turned my steps
towards the coast ; it was not difficult to find it, I had but
to be guided by the roar of the breakers, which led me
across the wood.
The coast was precipitous and the water deep, every-
thing as it should be. With careful attention, which
betrayed nothing of my sinister purpose, I undressed
myself ; I hid my clothes in a plantation of alder trees and
pushed my watch into a hole in the rock. The wind was
cold ; at this time of the year, in October, the temperature
of the water could be but a very few degrees above freezing-
point. I took a run over the rocks and threw myself
headlong into the water, aiming at a cleft between two
gigantic waves. I felt as if I had fallen into red-hot lava.
But I rose quickly to the surface, dragging up with me
pieces of seaAveed which I had glimpsed at the bottom,
and the tiny vesicles of Avhich were scratching my legs. I
swam out into the open sea, breasting the huge waves,
greeted by the laughter of the sea gulls and the cawing of
the crows. When my strength began to fail, I turned and
swam back to the cHff.
Now the moment of greatest importance had arrived.
According to all instructions given to bathers, the real
danger consists in remaining too long out of the water in
a state of nudity. I sat down on the rock which was most
fully exposed to the wind, and allowed the October gale to
lash my bare back. My muscles, my chest immediately
contracted, as if the instinct of self-preservation would
protect the vital organs at any price. But I was unable
to remain on the same spot, and, seizing the branch of an
G
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