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THE CONFESSION OF A FOOL 83
hung. At last, stiff with cold, shaking at every unex-
pected noise, I reached the village and walked past the
houses, which shone feebly in the dark, to the hotel.
As soon as I had arrived in my room I sent off a telegram
to the Baron, informing him of my sudden illness and
enforced landing. Then I drew up for him a full state-
ment of my mental condition, mentioning my former
attacks, and asking him to keep the matter quiet. I gave
him to understand that my illness was caused by the
conduct of my unfaithful love, whose publicly announced
engagement had robbed me of all hope.
I went to bed exhausted, certain of having contracted
a fatal fever. Then I rang for the servant and asked her
to send for a doctor. On her reply that no doctor was
available, I begged her to send for a clergyman, so that
I could make my last wishes known to him.
And from that moment I was prepared to die or go out
of my mind.
The clergyman appeared almost inunediately. He was
a man of about thirty, and looked like a farm labourer in
Sunday clothes. Red-haired and freckled, with a half-
vacant look in his eyes, he did not inspire me with sym-
pathy ; for a long time I could find no words, for I did not
know what to say to this man, who possessed neither
education, the wisdom of age, nor a knowledge of the
human heart.
He remained standing in the centre of the room, self-
conscious, like a provincial in the presence of the inhabitant
of a large city, until I motioned him to take a chair.
Then he began his cross-examination.
"You have sent for me, sir? You are in trouble?
"
"Yes."
"There is no happiness but in Jesus."
Although I Avas hankering after quite another sort of
happiness, I did not contradict him, and the evangelist
G 2
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