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10
SÖNYA KOVALÉVSKY
gazing at her because she was the first-born. I never
got a chance to nurse her properly. Every minute
they were taking her away from me. Now one, and
now another. But with Sönetchka it was quite
another matter."
At this point in the oft-repeated tale, nurse always
lowered her voice mysteriously, which, of course,
made me prick up my ears all the more.
" She was n’t born at the right time, my darling,
that’s what’s the matter! " says nurse, in a half
whisper. " You know the master lost all his money at cards
in the English Club on the eve of her birth, so that
they let everything go. They were forced to pawn
the mistress’s diamonds ! Now, and how could they
rejoice that God had sent them a daughter ?
Moreover, master and mistress both wanted a son without
fail. The mistress used to say to me: ’ You ’11 see,
nurse, it will be a boy!’ They had prepared
everything properly for a boy—a cross with the Crucified
One, and a little cap with a blue ribbon—but no, go
to! another girl-baby was born! The master and
mistress were so chagrined, that they would n’t look
at her, and it was only Fédenka who consoled them
afterward."
Nurse repeated this story very frequently, and on
every occasion I listened to it with the same
curiosity, so that it became firmly engraved on my memory.
Thanks to similar stories, the conviction was early
developed in me that I was disliked, and this was
reflected in my whole character. I began to grow
more and more shy and self-contained.
They would take me into the drawing-room, and
there I would stand with down-cast eyes, clutching
nurse’s gown with both my hands. Not a word was
to be got out of me. No matter how much nurse
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