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46
SÖNYA KOVALÉVSKY
In such cases, as in general after every especially
important crime on my part, the governess had
recourse to the most extreme measures: she sent me to
my father with orders to relate my guilt to him
myself. I feared this more than all other punishments.
In reality father was not at all severe with us; but
I saw him rarely—only at dinner. He never
permitted himself the slightest familiarity with us
except when one of the children was ill. Then he was
completely changed.
The fear of losing any one of us seemed to make
quite a new man of him. Remarkable tenderness
and softness were revealed in his voice and manners;
no one understood so well how to pet us, to jest with
us, as he did. We simply adored him at such times,
and retained the memory of them for a long while.
But on ordinary occasions, when all were well, he
stuck to the rule that " a man must be severe," and
therefore was very sparing of his caresses.
He loved to be alone, and he had a world of his
own, into which no member of the household was
admitted. In the morning he went off on a round of
domestic inspection, either alone or in the company
of the steward; he sat in his study almost the whole
of the rest of the day. This study, which lay quite
apart from the other rooms, constituted a sort of
holy of holies in the house; even our mother never
entered it without knocking first. It would never have
entered the heads of us children to appear there
without an invitation.
Hence, when the governess used to say, " Go to your
father; make your boast to him of how you have
been behaving," I felt genuine despair. I cried and
resisted, but the governess was implacable, and
taking me by the hand, she led me, or, to speak more
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