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RECOLLECTIONS OF CHILDHOOD 103
possession of the soul. But now father gives the
signal to rise, crosses himself before the holy picture,
the others follow his example, and then begin the
tears and the embraces.
I glance now at my governess in her dark traveling
gown, enveloped in a warm shawl of goat’s down, and
she suddenly appears to me in quite a different light
from that in which I have been in the habit of
regarding her. She seems suddenly to have grown old; her
full, energetic figure seems to have fallen in; her
eyes ("lightning flashes" as we called them in
private to ridicule her), from which none of my misdeeds
escaped, are now red, swollen, and filled with tears.
The corners of her mouth quiver nervously. For the
first time in my life I think that she is to be pitied.
She embraces me long and convulsively, with such
vehement affection as I never expected from her.
" Don’t forget me: write. It is no jest to part from
a child whom I have reared since her fifth year," she
says sobbing. I also fall upon her neck, and begin to
sob despairingly. A cruel sadness overwhelms me;
the sense of irreparable loss, as if our whole family
would fall to pieces with her departure. With this is
mingled the consciousness of my own guilt. I am
ashamed to the verge of pain when I remember that
during all these last days, even as låte as this very
morning, a secret joy has seized upon me at the
thought of her departure and my impending freedom.
Now I have got what I deserve. She is really
going away, and we shall be deprived of her. At
this moment I feel so sorry for her that God knows
what I would not give to keep her. I cling to her; I
seem unable to detach myself from her.
" It is time to start, that you may reach town by
daylight," says some one. The luggage has already
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