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148 SWEDENBORG’S TRAVELS AND DIARIES. [Doc. 208.
7. December. Of the servant who desired me to depart.
8. Of my joys at night.
I wondered at myself, that so far as my own sensation
told me, I had not any concern remaining for my own honour;
That I was no longer inclined towards the sex, as I had
been all my life long.*
9. How I had been almost the whole time in a state of
ecstasy, while awake.
10. How I opposed myself to the Spirit ;
And how I then enjoyed this, but afterwards found that it
was nonsense, without life and coherence ;
And that, consequently, a great deal of what I had written,
in proportion as I had denied the power of the Spirit, was
of that description ; and, indeed, that thus all the faults are
my own, but the truths are not.
Sometimes, indeed, I became impatient and thought I would
rebel, if all did not progress with the ease I desired, after I
no longer did anything for my own sake. I found my un
worthiness less, and gave thanks for the grace.
11. How, after arriving at the Hague [see Note 163], I
found self-interest and self-love in my work had passed away;
at which I wondered.
How my inclination (hogen) for woman, which had been my
chief passion (
hufwudpassion), suddenly ceased.*
How during the whole time I slept extremely well at
night; which was more than favourable.
About my ecstasies before and after sleep.
My clear thoughts about matters and things.
How I resisted the power of the Holy Spirit; and what
took place afterwards. About the hideous spectres which I saw,
without life ; they were terrible ; although bound, they kept
moving in their bands. They were in company with an animal,
by which I, and not the child, was attacked.
It seemed to me as if I were lying on a mountain, below
which was an abyss ; knots were on it. I was lying there trying
to help myself up, holding on to a knot; without foot-hold,
and an abyss underneath. This signifies that I desire to
rescue myself from the abyss, which yet is not possible.
* See Note 161, iv, F.
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