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Doc. 209.] HIS SPIRITUAL EXPERIENCE IN 1744. 165
found my unworthiness and my sins greater than those of other
men. For it is not sufficient to declare one’s own unworthi
ness, since the heart may be far removed from such a decla
ration, and it may be a mere matter of the imagination ; but
actually to see that such is the case, is due to the grace of
the Spirit.
42. Now, while I was in the spirit, I thought and strove
by thought to attain a knowledge of how to avoid all that was
impure; I noticed, however, that this intruded itself from the
ground of the love of self, on all occasions* whenever any
thing was reflected upon ; as, for instance, when any one did
not regard me according to my own estimation of myself, I
thought, Oh, if you only knew what grace I have, you would
act differently ; this then was not only impure, but originated
in the love of self. At last I found this out, and entreated
God’s forgiveness, and I then wished that others also might
have the same grace, as they perhaps either have had or will
have. From this I observed clearly that there was still in me
that same pernicious apple which has not yet been converted,
and which is Adam’s root and his hereditary sin.* Yes, and
an infinite number of other roots of sin remain in me.
43. I heard some one ask his neighbour at the table,
whether any one could be melancholy who had an abundance
of money. I reflected, and if it had been proper for me in
company, or if the question had been addressed to me, I would
have answered, "A person who has every thing in abundance,
is not only subject to melancholy, but is even exposed to that
higher kind of melancholy which belongs to the mind and soul,
or to man’s spirit which causes it. I wondered that the person
could raise such a question. To this I can the better testify,
as all that I can reasonably require has been bestowed upon
me by God’s grace in abundance. I can live plentifully on
my annual income ; I can carry out what I have in mind, and
yet have a surplus. I can therefore bear witness that the
sorrow or melancholy which arises from want of the necessaries
of life, is of a lower and corporeal kind, and does not equal
the other. (The power of the Spirit prevails in the one kind,
* See Note 165, vii.
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